Well, it has been quite the month.
Yesterday, I celebrated my 30th Birthday and looked back on my twenties to reflect on the type of person I was and what I have come to be.
In the past three years, I operated under the guise of being a positive, fun loving person who was actually entirely negative and rough around the edges.
It took me until earlier this year to figure out I needed to see a therapist.
Her name was Megan. She was amazing. We talked about how it was hard for me to be truly positive and how in all honesty – I felt that I had become more and more anxious over time. I gossiped. I said some really nasty things about people. I made some very poor choices of friends that encouraged gossip and being nasty to others. I was always looking for the negative in a situation and (what my therapist calls) Gloom and Doom. Meaning, I could never truly enjoy myself in life because I was always negatively thinking.
And I just kept making excuses. I just kept defending my negative friends. I kept being offended if people were offended.
I wanted to be better, though. I wanted to really feel positive instead of acting like it. I wanted to be a person who I wanted to be. The more I look back on those years, the more I cringe and think of an entire list of people I want to apologize to.
After a few months, we worked through my anxiety and I have been a better person because of it. If people confront me, I am more understanding of my bad actions and I own it. No more denying. No more lying. No more pretending.
I trimmed a lot of negative influences (people, companies, things) in the past month. I realized that I couldn’t truly thrive as a person. I would start to get over my anxiety (it will never leave me but I sure as hell can control it now) but then there things would drag me back kicking and screaming.
Since starting Crossfit, I feel that the anxiety becomes a slight murmur in me. If I am angry, I hustle. I work out. I go walking. I look for positives in all things. Crossfit has given me a fresh slate to work with and I am grateful for it. Any day I have an anxiety fit, I go to Crossfit and it literally disappears. It’s one of the greatest and most amazing things I have ever experienced.
As of yesterday, I am in a much better place. I got rid of the negative influences. I got a control on my anxiety. Some people have actively left my life and I have come to terms with that. I allow myself to be angry and sad instead of pushing it down so it explodes at the closest person. I take ownership. It feels amazing.
My 30th birthday goal (for the rest of my life) is to continue down this road. I can’t fix the past but I sure as hell can control the future of my actions.
My friends have truly been my Justice League. They helped me find myself again and truly work to be the person I want to be. They understand when I am more honest about my anxiety and ask to leave a situation that I am uncomfortable with. They are supportive on days that I just shut down social media so I don’t fall into a black hole of negativity.
To the old anxious-ridden, negative-talking, gossip-slinging me? Bye, Felicia.